


Blame it on the Goose

by AKnownLesbian



Category: Doctor Who (2005), UNIT: the New Series (Big Finish Audio), Untitled Goose Game (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Gen, I put way too much effort into a joke, Shenanigans, The goose is here for chaos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:21:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22434073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AKnownLesbian/pseuds/AKnownLesbian
Summary: It is a beautiful day at the Tower of London, and you are a horrible goose.Or the horrible goose is here to ruin the days of some major players in UNIT
Comments: 3
Kudos: 33





	Blame it on the Goose

**Author's Note:**

> This was a joke, why did I write over a 1000 words for a joke? Hope you enjoy, leave kudos or a comment if you did.

It doesn’t happen all too often that the weather in London is nice enough for Kate to be able to take her lunch outside. Whenever it does happen, she doesn’t pass up the opportunity. The view from her bench is exquisite, being able to look out over the Thames, watching the masses pass by. They don’t know how hard she and her team work to keep them all safe. She didn’t do this work for the recognition though, that was never her goal. She smiled. She had half an hour to enjoy her M&S sandwich and then back to work, there was a pile of paperwork with her name on it and she’d rather get it done before EOD. She rather wanted to have a glass of wine and an early night. Kate was about to dig in when she heard a sound.  
“Honk!”  
She looked up. Not far from her bench stood a goose. A single goose. Nobody else seemed to notice it and if they did, they didn’t seem to care. Neither did Kate really. Geese showed up frequently at the Tower, it’s not something that was worrying. She smiled at it. It didn’t smile back. Geese never smile. The way this one stared at her made her feel a little uneasy. The goose stepped closer to Kate; she didn’t take her eyes off of it. They stared at each other, neither of them making a move just yet. The goose came closer again, Kate moved her sandwich closer to her and tried to continue with her lunch. Both of them remained calm. Kate let down her guard. The goose knew this.  
“HONK!”  
Kate dropped her sandwich, the goose picked it up and ran away, honking loudly. She chased after it, trying to get her lunch back. But the Goose was too quick, it dropped her food into the water. It turned to her. She had never before seen a goose look this smug as it walked past her. She let out a deep, disappointed sigh. Never mind lunch, she’d pick up something crappy from the staff canteen and just eat her lunch over some of Osgood’s reports.  
At least she’d never see that goose again.  
~  
Kate was wrong.  
She had no idea of the extent of how wrong she was.  
The goose had a plan.  
It didn’t care about them saving the planet.  
It  
Craved  
Chaos  
~  
 ~~Throw the Boss’s sandwich in the water~~  
~  
“Honk.”  
Osgood looked up from her microscope and frowned. A goose stood in the middle of her lab. “Hey there, shouldn’t you be outside?” she asked. The goose didn’t reply, it didn’t move. It just stood there, watching her every single move. “I should probably call security, you shouldn’t be down here, little guy.” It cocked its head, flapped its wings and went a bit deeper into Osgood’s lab. She didn’t like that much. She stood up from her stool and went up to the goose, trying to shoo it out of her lab. “Come on, leave. There’s a lot of sensitive equipment in here.”  
“Honk!”  
“I know, but you should still leave.”  
She pushed it aside, chasing it out of her lab and being extremely careful to not break any of her samples.  
The Goose didn’t like that much. It bowed down and bit Osgood’s shoelaces, pulling back and untying them. She stepped forward to shoo the goose away but instead fell to the ground. Her glasses flew off her face and landed in front of her. The goose took the opportunity to steal them and run out of her lab.  
“Hey!”  
“Honk!”  
Damn goose.  
~  
 ~~Steal the Scientist’s glasses~~  
~  
The goose waddled along towards the UNIT gym, making sure to keep away from security. It ducked under tables whenever someone got too close. It had a list of things he wanted to do here, and he was going to get it done, no matter the cost. No reason for it either, it just wanted to watch chaos ensue. It snuck into the gym and watched Captain Carter lift weights. Brilliant…  
Josh couldn’t hear the goose, his workout music drowned out everything, but the loudest alarm UNIT had to offer. His focus was on his lifting, getting those gains. He didn’t like to brag but he liked to think that his bench press was impressive, even with the plastic casing around his bones. “You handsome beast…” He muttered to himself as he lifted the heavy weight.  
The Goose saw his arms twitch and honked. No reaction. The earphones must be blocking out its majestic honks. It lowered itself and snuck up to the captain. Josh noticed something appear in the corner of his eye. The goose slipped under the bench. Josh looked around. Nothing. He lay back down and continued his workout. The goose reappeared and stole one of his wireless earbuds, then slipped back under the bench. Josh once again looked up, frowning as one of his earbuds disappeared. He looked on the ground, nothing there. “Huh… strange.” As his back was turned on the bench, the Goose ran out from under it and dropped the earbud outside of the gym. Then it quickly returned to its spot under the bench. Josh lay down again and started lifting again. The goose repeated its actions and before long Captain Carter was bench pressing without earphones in.  
Excellent.  
The goose waited until Josh’s arms were trembling again and honked as loud as it could. Josh’s concentration broke and the barbell fell to his chest, pushing all the air out of his lungs. It was a stroke of luck that his bones were covered in Auton polymer and they couldn’t break. He struggled as the goose ran away, honking joyously.  
~  
 ~~Make the Captain drop his barbell~~  
~  
Not much later, Kate Stewart and Josh Carter were gathered in the Osgoods’ lab. Osgood, sat there without her glasses, explained what her sister had found. “It’s just a goose. Nothing special about it, not an alien, not a mutant… just a goose.”  
“Impossible.” Josh replied, his arms crossed over his still very sore chest. “No ordinary goose is this clever.”  
“Geese are evil, Captain Carter, I’m willing to accept the Osgoods’ findings as fact.” Kate said, nodding at Osgood to continue.   
“That’s literally it. I can’t make anything more of it, we took the DNA sample it left on my laces and it just told us it’s a goose. A horrible goose that manages to keep avoiding security and detection, but it’s a goose none the less.”  
Kate remained quiet for a minute before nodding. “Well then, let’s just calmly find that goose and remove it from the premises.”  
~  
No gods, no masters, just goose. It strutted around UNIT like it was the king of this base. It escaped security, managed to find all the blind spots with the cameras and finally got to the final goal. Kate Stewart’s office. It hid in a corridor until Kate herself showed up and opened the door to her office. “The moment you find that goose, bring it outside. We don’t want any harm to come to it unless absolutely necessary.” She said into her phone. The goose sneaked inside and waited behind a chair in the corner of her office. It honked. Kate looked up from her phone. “I’ll call you back, I think the Goose is around here somewhere.” It honked again. Kate moved from behind her desk to see where the noise was coming from, she stuck her head outside of her office and the goose pattered to the desk. Bingo. Now to pick something it wanted to steal. It’s beak grabbed an important looking file and dragged it with him under the desk. Kate shrugged and returned. The goose ran between her legs outside the door. 

“Hey! Get that goose!”   
The goose continued his way to the exit, expertly hiding from security. It saw the exit! It was almost there when Josh grabbed it from behind and wrestled the file from its beak. No! That wasn’t the plan. The Goose didn’t give up. The goose never gave up… It bit Josh right in the ankle, he dropped the file and the goose picked it up again, making a final sprint for the exit! Josh shouted for reinforcements and Kate, Osgood and Josh eventually ran after the goose, chasing it on the Tower grounds.  
The goose didn’t care.  
The goose knew it had won.  
It stood right on the edge of the Thames and watched the trio come closer. It almost smirked at them before dropping the file into the water.  
“Honk.”   
Chaos was created.  
Kate, Osgood and Josh stood there, looking defeated.  
And the goose?  
The goose looked smug  
~  
 ~~Throw something important in the Thames.~~


End file.
